Aren't ya glad???

 Wow! Talk about hitting me right between the eyes! Yesterday I was LATE to church. I wanted to sleep in but John (and about a million texts from Sarah Gorski) kept harassing me to get my butt to church. Good thing they did because God had a definite appointment for me. The sermon was called Prosperity, Peacemaking & Proximity. Like several 1-2 punches right in a row, God (using Shane as his fist) knocked me down to my knees over and over until I was down for the count!

Prosperity (please keep in mind this is merely my take on the sermon and how God ministered to me through it….other peops might have gotten a totally different take on it). For the past 3 years, John and I have suffered through financial troubles so dark and deep there seemed to be NO way out and NO end in sight. Whenever I would hear people talk about having financial troubles I would struggle to not roll my eyes. I wanted to scream each time, “You have no idea what financial troubles are!” Things that seemed horrendous and unimaginable in the world of poverty became common place to me. My children still remember when the power was turned off and when the cable doesn’t work the first thing they do is wonder aloud if Daddy couldn’t pay the bill. We have literally survived through the past three years only on the charity and generosity of those around us in our church and our families. I have felt for the past three years the shame of living under the cloud of financial strain. There seems to be this pervasive belief that financial troubles are solely of one’s own doing…that if you just stop spending frivolously or if you just shop at Aldi’s or if you saved more money you wouldn’t be where you are. I am here to tell you that sometimes YES financial troubles are brought on ourselves…much like the 60 year old who dies of lung cancer after smoking a pack a day since he was 15 years old. But I am also here to tell you that not all financial troubles are a result of poor decisions….just like there are non-smokers who die of lung cancer…Job’s financial troubles were like this. Job’s financial troubles came upon him because Satan was allowed to send trials his way because God believed he was strong enough to stand it. Anyways, the past three years have been a time of not only stress and strain from an inability to pay our bills even after we cut out every possible frivolity, but of also having TONS of shame heaped upon us…some by ourselves, some by others. So when Pastor Shane preached yesterday about how more often than not prosperity can be detrimental to one’s spiritual health….how frequently our prosperity leads us to depend less and less upon God. How Jesus was not prosperous: he was born in a manger; he lived as a peasant… It was like balm on my weary battered soul. I loved Hosea 13:6…When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me. I have said all along that one thing I was taking out of this financial valley we’ve traveled was my complete and utter dependence upon God. I have been unable to become proud and forget God because I have been so humbled by my circumstances…..and I am glad for that. One other thing that seeped into the cracks of my heart and brought healing to my deep painful wounds: “Sacrificial giving is the proof of our love.” John and I have never stopped giving through this whole entire escapade. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I need to admit that this brought such comfort to me…the reminder that we showed how much we love God by continuing to be generous even though the worst of our troubles. We never stopped inviting people into our home, we never stopped cooking meals for families in need, we never stopped giving the shirt off our back to someone we saw in need. We didn’t allow financial destitution to turn us into people who clung tightly to every little thing they had trying hard to dig out of the nightmare all on our own.

So point #1 was such a warm, fuzzy feel good experience for me. Funny how sometimes God butters you up before bringing home the truth. As comforting and affirming as the first point of the sermon was, that is exactly how convicting and penetrating the second part was.

Peacemaking not exactly sure how candid I’m gonna be here….I always try to be as naked and upfront as possible; however, this part brought up SO many things that I’m not exactly proud of and I’m not sure I’ll have the courage to share it all, but here goes….He started out nice and easy and I was still feeling pretty good: Abraham gave Lot a choice and said you pick which way you’ll go and I’ll take the other…Lot took the best part and Abraham got the leftovers and Abraham was ok with getting less because he trusted God. Okay little ouchie here…I need to stop fighting for my fair share of the pie…whatever God gives me is good enough. Families can be the hardest place to be peacemakers….put 2 sinners under the same roof and there is bound to be conflict ouch! Getting a little hotter in here…I’m starting to resemble this sermon way too much! Jeremiah 31:34…”For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Overlooking is one of the most valuable skills… yikes does everyone else here know he’s preaching right to me? He might as well have just announced Jami Lynn Kastner this one is for you. And then it came…the part that hit me so hard all the breath rushed from my lungs….What if God said to you, “We’re thru!”? What if God stopped forgiving you and said that’s it I’m done with you. Ohmigosh! Hadn’t I just said those same words last night? Didn’t I vow to stop forgiving?

So a little of the revealing that I so desperately fear: John and I had a HORRENDOUS fight on Saturday. The whole time we were bickering I could hear this voice in my head screaming, “Keep a tight rein on your tongue Jami!” I knew in my head that we were both exhausted from this marathon race we are trying to run. I knew that we both didn’t mean the things we were saying and that we were just crabby and tired, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was tired and crabby and miserable and I wanted to make him feel just as miserable….”You are SO mean! I’m tired of you being SO mean! I am done with this!” Seriously these ugly, impatient, unloving things…I said them. I said them all. I said them over and over. I said them in different ways….like a thesaurus I spewed out different versions of the exact same thing and now here was Pastor Shane preaching in front of the whole church, “Jami what if God said to you all those words you said to John yesterday.” Okay fine! He didn’t actually say my name up from the pulpit, but he might as well have. I knew full well that God had me in this exact place to hear those exact words just in that exact way: “Jami what if I told you I’m done with you! What if I said that’s it! I won’t let you sin against me one more time! Where would you be then Jami?” I was humbled to the point that I actually couldn’t even cry about it…me Jami Kastner the human bawl bag…I couldn’t cry. I was so convicted…so guilty…so firmly underneath God’s thumb that I couldn’t even wiggle, couldn’t let one little bit of moisture drip out from my eyes…I just sat there staring at Shane and knowing that I was evil to the core and I had behaved in a way that was so unChristlike I wanted to puke.

Thank the good Lord above the third point was kinda a fizzler for me…Proximity there are some place in the world that are so wicked the best strategy is to get out…we are to be salt…preserving the world and light dispelling the darkness in the world…don’t run TOO quickly from our culture because you’ll miss out on the biggest mission field available. Okay that one didn’t hit me too much and didn’t hold too much conviction for me which was a good thing because I was already lying on the floor unable to do anything but catch shallow ragged breaths…one more thing would have done me in.

So here I am the day after…I am still feeling quite battered and bruised…my soul took quite a licking yesterday but it kept on ticking. I am feeling very convicted and very wrong but I have bathed in the forgiveness of my Savior so the healing has begun. I went to my husband and confessed my sin. And now here I am proclaiming it semi-publically because…I guess I just have feel this strong urge to share this. In fact God is leading me to share some more specific thoughts on this with one person and I’m just praying I have the courage to do it. If you care to hear the sermon yourself….if you think I made it up, it couldn’t have really been THAT good…here’s a link to the podcast…it should be available by Friday.

We're going to Disney World!!!

 Okay so yesterday my mom calls me to ask, “What would you think if I took Noah & Jeremiah to Disney World at Thanksgiving?” I told her that would be amazing but my only worry would be how to explain to Elijah that he didn’t get to go. “What if I found a way to come with you and you and I take all the kids?” And just like that! Guess what??? We’re going! My mom is taking me and all four of our kids to Disney World for Thanksgiving! I am so excited! I’ve been getting teary eyed since I found out.

Okay…I’ve already 3x been around the issue of whether I should take my single stroller, my double stroller or buy an umbrella stroller…I’m currently residing at double stroller. I figure the more storage room the better, and that is going to be A LOT of walking…chances are HIGH that Elijah or even one of the older two are going to need a short break in the stroller.
I plan to start training for my Disney World marathon now. Tons and tons of walking….my kids are going into training as well because they are going to have to do tons of walking too. Maybe I can download the a Disney mix to my MP3 player so we can listen to it while we train.
STOP! Before any of you start feeling bad for John that he has to stay home and work, please wait. That is part of what makes this entire experience SO perfect! He doesn’t want to go. All of our marriage, he has expressed a hatred for Disney…since we CANNOT afford a trip to Disney it was never a real issue. Still occasionally one of the kids would express a desire to go there and he’d say, “I will NEVER go to Disney!” I would tell him, “Babe, if by some act of God our children get a chance to go to Disney, you HAVE to go and give them that opportunity.” Nope. He was dead set against it and had NO desire to ever walk through that magic gate. Well this is perfect for him! Our children get to go to Disney, and he doesn’t have to go! Not only that but he is a HUGE holiday humbug. I drag him to every holiday gathering threatening him within an inch of his life to keep his Grinch-like tendencies to himself! This year on Thanksgiving he can just stay at home ignoring the fact that it is a holiday and be by himself! He already said he’s either gonna fry a turkey in his turkey fryer and eat it all by himself or he’s gonna go eat dinner at the Rescue Mission. He’s tickled. “Just take TONS of pictures,” was his only request.
My mom called and found out that air fare is like $400 each. I said, “Why don’t we just drive my van?” I am SO relieved we are driving now! I was planning to start my nervous breakdown over flying with four children aged 2 – 9 in late October in order to be appropriately frenzied by Thanksgiving. So when my mom jumped on the driving bandwagon I about passed out with relief. I don’t care how many hours the drive is…it will be WAY LESS torture than flying. If you’ve known me at least 5 years than you know about the last Florida trip in 2002: Jeremiah’s screaming most of the plane trip, other passengers requesting to be moved to other areas of the plane but there is really nowhere to get away when you are trapped on a plane with a SCREAMING 16 month old, snot all over my shirt, his tears and mine mingling until we both collapsed asleep…yes it was NOT fun.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can’t wait to meet Cinderella!
As a part of this dream, I’m hoping to make a stop in Atlanta to see the Stancils (the family I lived with when I lived in CO…they now reside in Atlanta)…that would be awesome…we’re driving right through Atlanta anyways so I’m hoping a stop for a visit will work out.
(Seriously feel free to stop reading my ramblings and resume at a later date if I’m freaking you out, but I have literally been dreaming of it, planning it, getting weepy about it, and creating different scenarios regarding it ever since my mom brought it up 22 hours ago. I’ve googled the trip directions…including a stop in Atlanta…I’ve looked up the parks website I think I’m gonna have my November homeschool unit be on Disney…biographay of Walt, the history of the park, research each of the theme parks, EVERYTHING!)
Ohmigosh! So last night after my mom called to tell the boys, “We’re going to Disney!” the kids are conga dancing around the house, “Disney, Disney, DisNEY!” within 15 minutes Noah comes up to me and says, “Mom are we gonna swim in the ocean?” “Yes Noah” “But mom there are sharks in the ocean.” And before you know it they are ALL crying (seriously crying tears), “I don’t want to swim with the sharks and get eaten!” ohmigosh! I am going to LOVE the next three months….possibly even more than the actual trip  A wise woman told me anticipation is half the fun.
In conclusion, Noah did say to me last night, “Oma shouldn’t have told us until the night before we are going! I don’t know how I’m gonna make it till then!” I for one am going to soak up EVERY SINGLE minute until then! Thank you God for Oma! Thank you for the chance to go to Disney! Thank you for the amazing moments that are already burned into my mind as fond memories of our Disney experience…I really believe that the anticipation will be more than half the fun.

Oh I can't wait to meet you! Hannah's going to look so great in your picture together!

Today

 Well this morning I got up to wake John for work, and I couldn’t find him upstairs. I came downstairs to find him on the floor in the living room. I said, “Babe, it’s time to get up.” And he said, “I’ve been up all night.” At around 1 a.m. the kidney stone pain returned with a vengeance. Even after working a 16 hour day, he was unable to sleep through this pain. He got up off the ground and went to the bathroom. When he returned to the living room, he said, “I think I need to go to the emergency room again.” Within about 10 minutes, he was peeing blood and vomiting. I got a hold of his mother and she agreed to come watch the children (who were all miraculously still sleeping). We headed off to St. Luke’s.

Along the way we passed the Clinic of Urology and stopped in there to see if we could just be seen by a urologist. No deal…they said his pain needed to be under control first and foremost. We got to St. Luke’s and I dropped him at the emergency room doors and went to park the minivan. They quickly registered him and whisked him back to a room. I was still helping with his insurance information and by the time I got back to his room, they had an IV in his arm. Since they could tell what bad of shape he was in, they were not wasting any time. They quickly fed demoral (sp?) and morphine through his IV for the pain and then another medication to help with the nausea he was having. Very, very, very quickly his pain started to subside. They drew blood, made him pee in a cup, and then the waiting began, but it was actually fine because at least his pain was under control. He even dozed off until the nurse came to get him for his CT scan.

I took advantage of his snooze by getting logged onto my work’s remote access via the hospital’s wifi….I was actually able to get a ton done while we were there. Well eventually the doctor came back in to tell him that the scan showed he did still have a kidney stone and that it also showed “multiple stones” still in his kidneys (both kidneys). I asked him to define multiple and he said, “More than two.” He said he was going to contact the urologist on call and he left the room. When he returned he informed him that after his consultation by phone with the urologist, they believe that this is a second kidney stone. It is higher up in his urethra (stones DON’T travel backwards), and it is bigger than the first. It is believed that he either passed the first one without realizing it or that it is still floating around in his bladder not causing much trouble. This second one is still of a size that they believe it will pass on its own. They gave him a prescription for pain meds (the good stuff!) and for a medicine to help with passing the stone, and sent us home.

Burger King = Rocket Science

(should have been posted 8/4/08...but didn't have time to blog)

Ugh! I did NOT have a fun day today. I ran errands in the heat of the day in a minivan with four children and no air conditioning. This should have been bad enough, but then I had to go and stop at Burger King for lunch.

“Welcome to Burger King. May I take your order?”
“I would like 2 cheeseburger kids’ meals with sprite, 2 number 7s with coke, and 1 number 5 with a diet coke.”
“Okay so that’s 2 cheeseburger kids meals with sprite, 2 number 8s with coke, and a number 6 with a diet coke?”
“Ummmm no. (at this point I switch to using the meal names instead of the numbers in a failed attempt to reduce confusion) 2 cheeseburger kids meals with sprite, 2 chicken finger meals with coke and a steakhouse burger meal with a coke.”

“Okay so that’s 2 double cheeseburger kids meals with sprite, 2 chicken finger meals with coke and a double stacker with diet coke?”
“No….2 cheeseburger kids’ meals with sprite, 2 chicken finger meals with coke and a steakhouse burger meal with a coke.” (At this point, my head is in my hands. I have sprained my eyeballs rolling my eyes to hard, and I am struggling to maintain my Christian testimony.)
She replies, “That’s what I said.” I wanted to scream! No that is NOT what you said! In fact none of the 3 times you repeated it back to me did you say that! But instead I just pulled around.
For obvious reasons, I was VIGILANT in checking through the food they were giving me. If they couldn’t even SAY it back to me correctly what were the chances that they would actually get the order right? She says to me, “Are you the person with the HUGE order?” I’m thinking doesn’t your DUMB computer tell you which customer you should be on??? Whatev…she takes my money and hands me the bags. I say, “I’m missing a chicken finger meal.” She calls to her cohorts, “She says she only has one chicken finger meal.” Okay like the more likely scenario here is that I am lying…not that you are an IDIOT! (Yes Sarah Gorski I KNOW! I owe you 10 more pushups!)
They give me my chicken finger meal and say Have a good day!
“You didn’t give me my drinks.” They give me my drinks. I drive away….only to notice…they did not give me straws *#%($% (YES Sarah! We are all keeping track that 20 pushups now!)
Now I have 4 dehydrated children driving around in the back of a minivan with no air conditioning holding cold refreshing soft drinks in their hands WHICH THEY CANNOT DRINK! For those of you who know my children at all, I don’t need to even type this next sentence but for the rest of you, I will….having my children take the lids off of said sodas and drink straight from the cups is simply NOT an option.

It was then that I realized that working at Burger King must be SO difficult that only a rocket scientist can actually do it correctly.