I have been under so much pressure lately... girl bossed too hard and now I'm a manager and WOW that's intense.... parenting adult children or as I like to call it the valley of the shadow of death... menopause, hot flashes, weight gain OH MY! Each of these pressure cookers would be intense on their own But all combined together!?!? Sometimes I feel like I'm not even me anymore....
Any of you Grey's Anatomy fans out there... you know when April and Jackson lose Samuel, and then April goes to the desert to do relief work, and she comes back TOTALLY changed. I feel like I'm post-desert April: Rougher. More edgy. Bit stronger of a backbone. Bigger cojones. It's the path God wants me on, but it feels uncomfortable like a pair of pants that just doesn't quite fit me. For TOO long I have been a pushover.... afraid of conflict... people pleaser... God is making and molding me so I can be a better manager, parent, daughter, sister, friend, HUMAN.... but I couldn't find my comfort zone in that.
This weekend something BROKE! Like the pop I described in my Achilles tendon blog above. And I think I see my way now... The way to make firm have a gentle Jami spin on it. The way to let these lil ducklings learn to fly (and fall) being their safety net FAR below instead of the shepherd right there by their side and not letting their descent or their plop into the net I formed kill me. The way to be refined not broken, stronger not tough.
I sobbed through the sermon today. GOLLY it was FIRE! Jesus embraced the TORTURE of the cross because there was purpose in the pain --- I was the purpose in His pain!
I guess my best analogy is this: yesterday I changed over every song in my Taylor Swift Work Hype Mix to the "clean version." It's the same brilliant T. Swift lyrics. It's all the angry girl rock I need to pump me up before work. It just doesn't have any swears. That's the new version of Jami. She's not a pushover anymore. She says what she thinks a lot of the time. She draws boundaries. She is a TOUGH mammer jammer. But she is still kind and Christlike. She is still gentle. She is still Jami.
I might be back to this blog thing. I might be a one-hit wonder until some more scar tissue pops... I don't know. But this.... this I had to share. Cuz for the first time in a long time I feel like me again, and also cuz just like this whole blog: I hope this ministers to someone else's soul too.
Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.