Boxing Day thoughts...

I've been walking through a season of loss lately... not big, huge, death, kinda loss... just little, everyday, letting go of the way things used to be and walking forward into a new landscape kinda loss. Life is such a journey of ups with downs,  good with bad,  tender with tough.  Here's what God has been teaching me through this transition:

1. Minimizing my details does not help. Marginalizing my struggles because they aren't as bad as someone else's doesn't do much towards the goal of adjusting and adapting to MY situatuon. My goal in each and EVERY situation has to be to know Him and make Him known.  Shoving my feelings aside because they aren't as serious as other people's struggles is not productive toward that goal. 

2. There's a reason why the rearview mirror is so much smaller than the windshield.  I do need to glance back. Remembering what God has carried me through in the past.... revisiting mistakes I've made and the lessons they've brought is beneficial.  But ultimately I've got to get my eyes forward and figure out where I'm going.... how I'm going to respond to my current troubles.... what God wants me to glean from this valley season. 

Our holiday this year was different.... I won't call it bad (there was too much good mixed in for that). I won't call it a mess (there was too much purpose and too many divine moments for that). It wasn't a complete failure,  but it wasn't a roaring success either.  So as I sit here on the day after, pondering.... I'm feeling called to give value to my struggles without comparing them to what other people walked through the past 2 days. And I'm working to pry my eyes away from the train wrecks and disappointments that were a part of my Christmas and gaze intently through the windshield to find the path to the new year that God wants my feet on.  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 

What I want my kids to know

10 years ago today was the very first hospital trip that set our feet on the path of brain surgery, neck surgeries, seizure-like episodes, medical bills unending, prescriptions as a lifestyle. 10 years ago.

Today we still haven't fully left the medical woes behind us. But honestly they've been eclipsed by bigger trials, hairier experiences, greater heartbreak. We have adult and almost-adult children now.... and as they face trials of their own... and as we struggle to watch them travel their own dark valleys... here's what I want them to know about tough times.

1. FEEL IT. Don't bottle it. Don't deny it. Don't whitewash your feelings so other people feel comfortable. Feel. Them. Cry the tears that are aching to be cried. Scream the screams boiling in the base of your belly. Use your angry words. Let. It. Out. God isn't put off by your pain... by your anger... by your fear. And you're not fooling Him when you try to slap a bandaid on your bullet hole and call it fine.

You delight in truth in the inward being,
Psalms 51:6

2. TURN TO GOD. Whatever happens... no matter how dark the valley... no matter how unfathomable the sea... turn. towards. God. He holds the key. He wants to lead and guide and carry you through what no man wants to endure. So turn to Him.

for He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

3. GET THROUGH IT. Eventually there comes a time to pull up your big girl (or boy) pants... to build a bridge and GET OVER IT... or under it or through it.... when you've cried your tears and prayed your prayer GET TO WORK and do something to affect your situation.

Diligent hands will rule,
Proverbs 12:24

Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, and Hannah,

I don't want you to have an easy life.  I want you to walk with God. Wherever that may take you.  I can about guarantee that it will take you down some roads that are bumpy,  and through some valleys that are DARK, and you might even be DRAGGED,  KICKING AND SCREAMING through a place you NEVER,  EVER wanted to be.... but if you listen to my words.  If you FEEL IT and TURN TO GOD and just GET THROUGH IT. I promise you.... God will be as faithful to you as He has been to me.

I love you,
Mom

Parenting adults and almost adults

I hate this season of parenting I'm in... I know... I know... every season has its perks... embrace this before it slips away... you raised them with wings so they could fly... don't give me your platitudes... cuz I know them! I've said them! I actually believe them! But. Still. I hate this season of parenting I'm in.

I hate the letting go. I hate the graduations. I hate the getting bigger. The sweet 16's and the far-aways...  I just hate them!

I've raised these wonderful, beautiful, kind, servant-hearted humans, and I really do WANT to share them with all of you.  But gut-level honesty: it was nice when they were mostly just mine, all here under one roof,  needing and loving and wanting me so much!

Here's the thing... if I've said it once on this blog I've said it a HUNDRED times: as much as I want to I can't #turnbacktime nor can I #slowdowntime #timeisapunk and I can't have ANY effect on its passage.

So here is what I'm trying to do: SLOW DOWN... BREATHE IN... even if the air I'm breathing is heavy with teenage angst and sweaty armpits... zoom in on the SWEET and the TENDER... cuz they ARE there... nestled in between the tough and the traumatic.... last night my fiesty, headstrong, hair-style-a-phob strolled in my room and casually asked, "Mom, can you French braid my hair?" I tried to play it off cool like this happens all the time, but I'm sure she caught the hint of glee in my voice as I asked, "Right now?"

There are so many good moments... there are so many positives... even in my soldier being so far away.... three days in a row his end-of-the-day prayer request has been "to go home."

So I'm done whining. Pulling up my big girl pants and focusing on the good... cuz these four humans of mine... they ARE good!

Rejoice always,
1 Thessalonians 5:16

A reason....

Sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason. Sometimes the devil is just trying to break us. Sometimes our hearts are broken because of a sinful choice we made. But sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason .

When John and I first got married, we moved to Denver for a "fresh start." He got a job right away. I did not. I went on interview after interview. Nada. I remember hearing I didnt get one teaching job, and just THROWING myself across our bed and SOBBING. Why couldn't I find a job? Would I ever teach again? My heart was broken.

After 5 months my mother said to me, "Why dont you move home? Think of this time in Denver as a long honeymoon and just move home."

See there was a reason for my broken heart. God didn't want our roots planted in Colorado. His plan was for us to move home and build our family... our life... here in Wisconsin. So He was willing to allow my pain and heart break for a greater plan.

I urge you today. If there is something you can do to fix the situation that is breaking your heart, ok. Do it. Rage against the devil. Confess a sinful choice. But if you think God may be breaking your heart for a reason, I encourage you to lean into it. Express the pain. Be angry. Be sad. Cry. Scream. Rage. Then wipe your face and move on, keeping your eyes open for the reason. It might take YEARS to see the reason. And actually you might never see that reason this side of Heaven. But trust and be sure. Sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:17

Treasured Insomnia

Every now and then while parenting my way through the eye rolls, sighs and bad smells of the teen years I get a lil throwback moment.

"Mom I saw a scary meme and now I'm afraid in my room."

After a lil reminder of what God says about scary memes and some prayer, I peeled back my covers and let her crawl in bed next to me. SHE snuggled up against me! This girl who had used that voice that says,  "Old lady you are so out of touch" on me not once but TWICE today. This girl who modeled her new swimsuits looking not really 13 and NOTHING but legs. This girl who hardly ever needs me anymore.  She fell asleep spooned into the back of me drooling on my shoulder.

And then after a brief nap that erased all memory of the scary meme, she startled awake a bit taking in her surroundings and then buried her face in my neck  and said, "Thank you so much mom." And then went back to her bed.

It was dreamy... divine. I am paying for it with insomnia right now, but it was worth every single lost "zzzzz". Treasured insomnia.

His ways are higher

So. God's. Plan. Is. Always. Better. FULL STOP.

Yesterday we waited and waited for Noah's orders to come through. Then we waited and waited to make sure his bus arrived. Finally we JETTED off the base to head to Fort Bragg, cancelling our Fort Benning hotel reservation along the way.

About halfway to North Carolina we realized that while our on base hotel was willing to hold our reservation until 10:30 p.m. (when GPS said we would arrive) visitors can't get through security at Fort Bragg after 9 p.m. so we were not going to be able to make our hotel reservation.

So in the middle-of-nowhere Georgia with HORRIBLE Internet access, I searched AND searched for a hotel room. With the one-year anniversary of the roach motel debacle fresh in my mind, it was imperative I find a decent hotel. We hadn't slept in 40 hours, so the park-in-the-Walmart-and-sleep-in-the-minivan thing wasn't an option. We smelled like the thighs of pigs so showering HAD to happen. And I'm on day 250 of an exercise streak so I really, REALLY wanted fitness facilities. Nothing, nothing,  NOTHING was available. The second time a hotel employee recommended I see if the Hilton had anything available, I decided to listen. See the Kastners aren't Hilton people. We're much closer to Quality Inn people. But for the aforementioned reasons, it was time to bite the bullet and cough up the money for the Hilton. I reserved a room with only bed space for three people for $50 more than the on-base reservation... but we had a hotel room and a shower. I was exhausted, depleted, and just wondering God HOW is this your plan?!?!? NOTHING is going our way!

Last night a 3:30 a.m. I figured out how His plan was better. After arriving at the base a full two and a half hours after we got to the Fort Bragg area, Noah checked in and was told, "Report back Monday." So at 3:30 a.m. he walked into our room to stay with us off-base, for the weekend. His. Ways. Are. Better. ALWAYS. BETTER.

Just be there

This is a lesson God has been taking a friend and me through right now... it's a parenting struggle we are working through at the same time... how to respond to adult (ish) children when they struggle.... my tendency is to try to cheer them up or coach them... but that hasn't been very effective. God's been showing me that the answer is to let them mourn it... curse it... work it in their own timing....

He gave me a GREAT opportunity to see why I should respond like that this past 30 hours... we had a DISAPPOINTMENT... we saved and planned and counted down for this vacation for MONTHS, and it was basically snatched right out of our grip. I didn't need anyone to "cheer me up" cuz guess what you could put a dress on a pig, and it would STILL be a pig... I also didn't need anyone to "coach me through it" I know this too shall pass... I know this is what he signed up for... and this... it isnt even the worst thing I've been through... Not. Even. Close.

You know what I needed? This text... "sitting here  with ashes on my head, praying you through the next hours."

So that's my new goal.

My sweet, tough, brave firstborn I am sorry for every time I tried to show you the bright side... tell you to keep your chin up... pushed you to get past your hurt sooner than you were ready to. I promise to try HARD in the future to #justbethere

AIT Graduation

This morning I literally FLOATED... from my quiet time... to the fitness center... through breakfast and my shower... I kept thinking this trip was PERFECT, and I couldn't believe how lucky we were to have an ENTIRE weekend of off-base pass ahead of us... 24-hour time with our soldier for THREE days... I was just BESIDE myself with joy.

Full STOP.

About 30 minutes before graduation Noah was informed that instead of getting a 72-hour pass to spend time with his family this weekend, he would be getting on a plane to his next training TOMORROW, and he would only have until 8 p.m. TONIGHT to be with his family.

This. Is. The. Army.

Through broken-hearted tears, I whispered to my God, "You're STILL the best." He is still as GREAT in the midst of my tears tonight as He was when I was walking on sunshine this morning.

All our plans are cancelled.... no Holy City... no Aquarium... no swimming pool...  we only got a few hours of lying around being lazy together and lunch at b-dubs today...

"Freedom isn't free." I'm confident there will be MANY more times during Noah's Army career that we will realize the truth of those words. But this sacrifice we're making this weekend... it cost every single one of us... a LOT.

Being an Army mom... it is just one  HUGE trust fall after another... glad I have a GREAT BIG God to catch me.

#proudArmymom #sadArmymom #trustfall #Godofthemountainsandthevalleys

AIT Family Day

What an AMAZING, EXHAUSTING, INCREDIBLE day. This life our son has chosen can be a tough pill to swallow sometimes.  It is TOUGH for such a close family to be separated by several states.  But days like today.... the first glimpse of his face... that first squeeze... and just being reunited for a few hours.... they make the separation and sacrifice easier to handle.

Thank you for your service, Noah Kastner. We are immensely proud of you, son. #oursoldierinourarms #FamilyDay #NoahJames #USArmy #dutycalls #Armyproud

#TYJesus #blessed

Minivan lessons

So in October we bought a new-to-us minivan. Our 12-year old one had become a money pit, and we knew it wouldn't get us to and from our soldier 3 times in the next 6 months so it was time.

If you know me at all you know how I STRESS about big purchases... (and in Jami-speak a $29.99 Target purse qualifies as a big purchase). So I did my research.... found the best van... then researched for the BEST available version of that model.... drove 60 miles to get it... fought my demons there and back (two different times), and finally, we pulled the trigger.

The monthly payment was a bit more than I could stomach (it's tough going from paid off to car payment)... so I caved and we added in an extended warranty and premium protection so that, should anything crop up with this vehicle, it would be covered under our monthly payment. Because I'm me, I stressed over that too... our previous vehicle had ZERO problems the first 3 or so years we had it... so I worried we were wasting money on a warranty.

Almost immediately I felt something was hinky with the driver's side sliding door.... but I couldn't make the problem reoccur when John was standing next to me so we chalked it up to my lunacy. Then about six weeks into the relationship with our new Dodge it happened again.  We went to get our Christmas tree and that door wouldn't open  automatically. The kids were my witness! It happened! But serious as a heart attack when John walked over the motor kicked in and the door opened. We chalked it up to an intermittent issue we should have looked at "eventually" and moved along. However, I was glad to be vindicated as not crazy (at least on this issue). Well, two weeks ago during the Polar Vortex the intermittent problem became constant, and the door wouldn't work at all. We scheduled a service appointment for our van.

Ewald... Biggest. Mistake. Ever. ABSOLUTE worst service experience in my life!  (But that's a story for another venue - my complaint letter to the general manager) Yesterday they called to tell us that in addition to the broken door, we have a leak in the transmission,  a leak in the back shocks (or struts... to a girl those are basically the same thing) AND we need back brakes and rotors. Oh. My. Brigham. Young! Are you KIDDING me?!?! All of a sudden "Did we waste money on a warranty?" Became "Thank God for Jesus! We got the warranty!" Everything but the brakes, COVERED under our extended warranty.

[Okay Noah... and John... here is the part where you start paying attention.]

Last night and this morning it has been occurring to me... I now stand at a fork in the road. I get to choose which path I walk down. On the right is a beautiful path of rejoicing, "We got the warranty! We got the warranty! Almost everything is covered under the warranty." On the left is a different path. Let's call it the Eeyore path. It looks more like this "we bought a lemon... we haven't even had this car for 5 months... the transmission... the shocks (struts... whatever)... the door... the brakes..." And here it is boys! This is the lesson in this episode of my life: THE. CHOICE. IS. MINE. As I stand at this fork in the road I am the one who gets to choose which way to walk. The circumstance I'm in... it is not gonna budge... I have a minivan at the shop that needs THOUSANDS of dollars in repairs that are COVERED under my warranty. That part is concrete. But will I rejoice in my warranty or lament my repairs THAT is up to me.

Trust me... I'm not having fun being carless for three days. Believe me... I am NOT thrilled with the place in Antioch that sold us this van. BUT! (and that's a mighty big BUT there) I choose how I respond to this situation!

It's like all of life:

*walk down the path of how much your job sucks OR choose to be grateful you have a job

*lament that your lovey is far away OR be grateful you have someone to love this Valentine's Day

*complain about your elderly knees OR be grateful you have the chance to become elderly

These. Are. Your. Choice.

I sure hope that the correct choice seems evident... I used enough caps and bolding to point it out. But one more time here it is: HAPPINESS IS IN OUR CONTROL. Our circumstances do not dictate our happiness.  We do.

Have a brilliant day! I know I will.... because I GOT THE WARRANTY!  and IT IS COVERED!

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Philippians 4:4