The things that I know...

My heart is full yet somehow the road by which these feelings typically travel out of my heart is blocked..... clogged.

I'm searching for just the right analogy to explain the raw and unadultered fear,  chaos and tension that is bubbling just under the surface of this calm exterior I'm trying to put forth.

Have you ever read the B book? It's an easy reader we have in our library. Pages and pages of B things are introduced. All balancing precariously on a bear on a ball until at last the tiniest bird lands atop the pile, and CRASH the whole thing comes tumbling down. Maybe that's the word picture I'm searching for.

I'm in the midst of a CRAZY full weekend which ends a VERY busy week. I hosted a brunch this morning,  coached a game after that and rushed to teach Christmas choreography after that all while developing a nasty cold. Tomorrow will bring the teaching of more choreography, prepping for the week and a cabke guy appointment.  Then Monday a FULL day of work,  capped off by cheer practice.   I am holding this all together.... placing my ducks in a row... yet still there is this eerie feeling that one tiny little bird atop my pile and CRASH it will ALL come tumbling down.

So what's a girl to do?  In times of uncertainty...  Facing another grueling mountain... Not feeling up to the climb... well I guess I will just focus on the things that I KNOW:

*my God is in control.... time and time again He has proven this. .. I don't expect this time to be any different.
* my husband is a STRONG and capable man who already triumphed over brain surgery
*my children are deeply rooted and will likely be the ones carrying me through on their rock-solid faith
*my family will rally behind me no matter what comes my way
*God's people will be faithful in prayer and in deed

And most importantly....  the thing I know best without a shadow of a doubt:

*He WILL be glorified through the circumstances of this coming week

Please continue to keep John in your prayers.  We are praying and BELIEVING for a SUCCESSFUL surgery,  a MIRACULOUS recovery,  and many MANY chances to proclaim His goodness,  power and mercy.  Thank you for praying with us.

Worship Wednesday: From the Inside Out

This song WRECKS me every time I hear it!

From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed

Still Your mercy remains

Should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else

My purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing You praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul

I give You control

Consume me from the inside out 

Let justice and praise

Become my embrace

To love you from the inside out

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

From the inside out

Lord my soul cries out...

A thousand times..... again... STILL.... no matter how much... no matter how many times... When I fail, I'm CAUGHT in Your Grace! 

When the newness and excitement fades.... when the nearness of friends and family fades... when even my hope fades... YOUR LIGHT will shine when ALL else fades!

Even when my emotions want to run away from me... Even when I'm scared and uncertain.... Even when things are a chaotic jumble of tasks and bills and aches and pains... In my heart, in my soul, I give YOU control.

My whole purpose... is about bringing You praise. Whether I'm standing at the altar with a smile on my face or whether I'm knee-deep in the muck of troubles and pain... I just want to be lost in praising You Lord.... I want to disappear as You shine through me and the situations I face.

AND MY FAVORITE PART.... the part that TRULY wrecks me... leaves my face tear streaked... breaks my heart and heals it again.... and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise....

Today Lord, my soul cries out to praise you....
all I ever want to be known for....
all I ever want to spend my time on...
my legacy...
my purpose....
is to bring You praise.
Lord may You be PRAISED in my life today,
may You be PRAISED in my family today,
may You be PRAISED in this world today.
Amen

Somehow this just turned into a prayer. I couldn't help myself I guess.  I hope this song... it's lyrics... or my jumbled up thoughts regarding them both have ministered to someone in some way. Have a great Wednesday everyone!

Just BREATHE!!!

On Saturday night, John reached out his left arm to me and said, "Isn't weird how my veins are bulging so much?" His arm DID look kinda freaky.... the veins in his wrist were BULGING. My first thought was, "Ohmigosh!  ER here we come." But I calmed myself.... considered the co-pay... and listened to my husband. We would wait until Monday to call Dr. Ahuja.

Monday dawned and by 8:45 a.m. the 45 minute old work day was KICKING my BUTT!  With 5 new reports on the day that cheer starts, I was expecting MASSIVE casualties.  I contacted the doctor before diving into my work, and they scheduled an appointment for John that morning. By appointment time, I was KNEE deep in reference reports and only hoping I'd get to my cheer preparations before practice time. I got the call from John confirming what we'd suspected. Even though the weird bulgy vein thing had dissipated, due to the worsening of his other symptoms, Dr. Ahuja wanted to do the surgery sooner rather than later.... November 26th to be exact. BAM!  here we GO!

I'm not really overly worried or stressed about the surgery, recovery time or the associated costs.... God has gotten us through ALL of that (and more) before.... so I'd be stupid to think He won't carry us through this time too. It's just OHMIGOSH that is 3 weeks from TODAY!  It immediately jumped from a tiny dot on the horizon to TAKING UP MY ENTIRE VIEW!

We are scrambling to scheduleapresurgeryauthorizationappointment-updateFMLApaperwork-informJohn'sboss-informmyboss-requesttimeoffwork-workoutcoverageforcheer-makearrangementsforthekids-andonandonandonandon.... I'mnotthatworriedbecauseIdomybestworkunderthegunBUTitisjustREALLYSOONnow.

This morning as I was talking to a friend at work (and I must've sounded just like the above text.... all rushed together without any spaces), she said just BREATHE, Jami.... don't forget to

BREATHE.  

And so I have adopted that one word as my new mantra:  BREATHE!  I am breathing in the oxygen vital to my body... breathing in the sweet aroma of the nearness of my Lord in times of trouble.... breathing in even the stink of the icky parts of this situation...

So here's the information you really want to know.... how you can specifically pray:

John
-SUCCESSFUL surgery that relieves ALL his symptoms
-Peace about the surgery, recovery, and about being out of work for a bit
-Endurance for the next 3 weeks of continuing pain, weakness, and numbness
-NO weirdly bulging veins

Jami
-peace in the midst the flurry of activity
-wisdom to work out all the details

Kids
-peace as they walk down this scary road again
-ability to articulate the fears/struggles they are experiencing so we can help them work through them.

Whatever you are facing today... May you take my friend's advice too and JUST BREATHE!

I will listen to what God the Lord says; He promises peace to His people, His faithful servants 
Psalm 85:8